Reflections from Jude Gilliam

It has been a week since I was in Charlottesville with TJ Haycox, and Jude died. In the following week I have returned home, and then made a day trip back to Charlottesville for the services for Jude.  In between, I attended yearly family get together for my mother's family.  I want to use this blog post as we to deconstruct this time.

My emotions

Overwhelming sadness in the midst of profound assuredness. Having a boy similar in age, and understanding Robert and his personality, there was this great sadness. When Tom, Gilliam , Sr walked into the chapel last Friday to announce Jude's death to the collected group of friends and relatives, this amazing torrent of emotion erupted from his mouth. He later commented that this was the saddest period of his life, since the unexpected death of his father 50 years ago.  Yet. there is a assurance of Jude, walking in heave. My son Huck, when told that Jude had gone home to heaven, explained that he thought Jude and Jesus were swimming with the fishes.  Chantal and especially's assuredness of Jude's eternalness in the midst of profound sorrow was simply amazing.

Seeing uncommon wisdom on display

My company, Wachovia, has "Uncommon Wisdom" as a slogan. I have the spiritual gift of wisdom. But I watched Robert maneuver through these times with a sense of wisdom that was magnificent. He made decisions that were amazingly providential in the midst of unbearable strife and stress/

Watching a community rise

The Gilliams turned to caringbridge.org for a way to communicate broadly to their friends and family. Not unlike the Gibbs have done with Taylor's bout with leukemia. However, the response was simply unbelievable. I counted one time that the site was averaging a guest post every 6 minutes, around the clock. And from literally world wide. The call to pray for Jude was met broadly, and his name spread throughout the Christian community, across denominations. His name now pops in Google. Here are some links

• http://www.caringbridge.org/cb/inputSiteName.do?method=search&siteName=judegilliam
• http://www.communitywalk.com/prayersforjude#1011044QZJ10738.12T%608-78.2g6%6010

This was such a vital link; once I got into the inner workings I found that there was so much being worked as well and that email and chat were essentials.

Missing my friends

TJ and I went together on Friday to Charlottesville. Although we live close together, we have never had the real occasion to sit and talk. The 4.5 hour ride to Charlottesville was amazing. We went places as men that I never get to do. The entire experience with TJ was amazing. We went there to serve and server alongside each other, selflessly and in love for our friendship bond to Robert. In many ways, it felt like a missions trip.

Last Friday, Brian Broadway joined us for dinner. Spending 90 minutes with Trouble was just plain fun. Main, I miss hanging around him.

Monday night was a family time to receive friends at Trinity. TJ went up. I simply could not. That day was the first day of school for Anna and Ruth. It was Anna's first day in middle school and Ruth's first day at Torrence Creek. I needed to look into their eyes, make sure they were ok and give them reassurances that it was going to OK in the end. Although I wanted to be there in Charlottesville desperately, my place was in Huntersville. I called TJ that evening and he was at dinner with a ton of our friends. Man, was I jealous. Vinnie Rife, who I have not seen in forever was there with his wife, Katinka along with Theo and Mike Phalen. But, I was in the right place. But it still stung.

Tuesday, I caught with some more old acquaintances including Jeff Bondi. I even ran into my old roommate Xavier Jackson. WOW!!

From this experience, I am left with twin longings. O long to see my friends. Living in Huntersville with all of them in Virginia has left me out of the loop for years. I miss these relationships greatly. Maybe because they were their when my faith was at its beginnings and they accepted then , with all of my faults, their is a sense of acceptance that I have never felt elsewhere. And I long to have genuine male friendship like this again. Everyday, consistent friendship. Ones that I go and hang out and just be, not be something.

I do know that it was easy to make these relationships in college; we were all there with the same purpose (generally), had gobs of free time, limited responsibility and limited resources. Hanging out was part of the culture.

Today, I have tremendous responsibility, less free time and more resources and thus distractions. But how do I create a set of real brothers to walk with here and not pine after what is probably not real anyways...Hum.

My son Huck and his part

When I cam back Saturday from Charlottesville, I was physically, emotionally and relationally spent. I came home and crawled into my bed, exhausted. But here came Huck, who just wanted to play with his Dad. We wrestled for an hour it seemed, enjoying just each other and our male bond as Father and Son. It was therapy for my soul but I came away melancholy, knowing that this a joy that Robert will never have again with Jude. But thank you Huck for loving your Dad

What is stories that God is writing

I am utterly confident that through this tragedy, the gathering of a Christ-centered community and its global reach, that God has a big purpose. What are the many chapter that are being written in His story day? We know of non-believers seeing a grieve observed with a joyous claim. We know that His promise is front and center each day, and this was the hope that Chantal and Robert cling to, in the midst of a profound sorrow.

As Robert discussed that over the last year, while Chantal home schooled the two older children, he had Jude duty and that his son Jude had become his closest companion next to Chantal. and that he was losing not just a son but a companion, my heart was searing with pain. But Robert knew his son was home, his real home.

What is the long term affect

I need to love more; deeper and harder. I think my kids know that I love them unconditionally; but they need to know my love reflects my poor understanding of God's love for them.

Oh that I might some of the faith that Robert has...